By Molly Lechtenberg, DPT
In the short six months of opening Breathe. Physical Therapy & Wellness, I (we) have had the honor of sharing stories with some amazing mamas; stories of infertility, loss, adoption, changing bodies, and anything & everything else that you can think of. We have started a mini tribe of support. It seems appropriate I share my story with all of our supporters as I have with a lot of your individually. No one likes to talk about infertility. There were very few people I shared openly with our struggle, and looking back I am so surprised at that behavior. It was embarrassing, and I was mad. Oh, before we continue, let’s get out the list of things NOT to say to someone who doesn’t have children:
- You’re not getting any younger
- You must not want children
- You just don’t want to change your lifestyle
- You must not know how they are made
It Hurt, But Others Have Had it Worse
About 2 years into our journey, we got a puppy. That actually helped me respond to people who would say the things they shouldn’t say, because my response could be “Well we are trying to keep the dog alive and if that goes ok we will consider trying to keep a human alive”. Deflection from the hurt we felt daily.
I hope it doesn’t come across as whiney, and I am acutely aware that there are women who have been through much worse. I know how blessed I am every day that I have my daughter to hold, that my story ends up as a happy one. This is to hope that people (men and women) start having more conversations about these topics, that no one is embarrassed/ashamed, and so that people will quit saying very rude things!
We had a four year journey to become pregnant. Our first appointment with a fertility doctor was the day my grandma passed away, April 23, 2012. We had an appointment at 9:00 in the morning then I went home and packed a bag to drive to my hometown to say goodbye to my beloved grandma. I still get a lump in my throat when I think of all the emotions I went through in that 24 hour period.
By the time I got pregnant, all 3 of my grandparents had passed away. All three would’ve loved every ounce of my daughter, and I know their love rains down on her. Every night when I put my daughter to sleep, I thank God and everyone in heaven for my sweet girl, and I pray that they will keep her protected, always.
What I Learned
I won’t go into details about our fertility journey (feel free to contact me if you are going through it and I will help in any way I can) but basically, we went through all of it.
I learned that I would give myself 24 hours to be as sad and distraught as I wanted to be, and then I had to move on. Weird things happen to you when you hold onto that level of sadness and despair. I would begin to feel upset and jealous when I heard that someone was pregnant and I didn’t think they “deserved” to be. I would think “We’ve been trying for 2 years, we are the right age, we are good people, we are responsible, I pray as hard as I can every day, and they’re pregnant and I’m not”. Can you imagine?? Having a negative thought at the news of a MIRACLE. I was turning into a horrible person. So. New rule: you get 24 hours to be sad for yourself. That’s it. Sad for yourself, not angry at anyone else’s happiness.
After our first failed fertility intervention, I was devastated, feeling like I lost something I never really had. And then deeper sadness hit me, that there is a much worse fate than never being able to have a child, and that, of course, is to lose one. From that point on, during my prayers for our own child was a prayer for all parents who have lost a child, either after birth or a miscarriage. Perspective.
After a failed IVF attempt, I gave myself the 24 hours to be as upset as I wanted to be (and eat as much ice cream as I wanted) and then I had a radical change in my thought process. I was not in control. No matter how hard I prayed, or how organically I ate, or how often I worked out, I was not in control and was not going to “make” this happen. As soon as I realized I was not in charge, and that it would happen when God thought it was the right time, it did. It was the epitome of “Let go and let God”. And if you don’t believe it God, give it out to the universe and give good out and good will return. I was genuinely happy for other people when they told me they were expecting. I ate as well as I could but didn’t blame our infertility on a hot slice of pizza. Or a glass of wine. I was more at peace than I had been in 2 years. AND THEN I GOT PREGNANT!!!! Very long story short, or short story long?! Your mind is in control of your happiness, and ultimately, STRESS is the enemy.
I’ve said since the day Lennon was born, she has made me a better person. I am much more understanding and patient. I think about when I was having a bad day when trying to have a baby, I was certainly rude to strangers who didn’t deserve it, or short with a loved one. Until the day I decided I would not live like that anymore. I could make the mental change, but it took me years to get there. I now understand when I meet someone who is rude, or someone is short with me, it has NOTHING to do with ME. The ‘ole walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Everyone is doing the best they can. Everyone you meet was/is someone’s daughter/son. Treat them kindly. You never know what someone else is going through.