No Shame With Birth and Delivery Outcomes: Accepting The Unexpected
Your Birth is Yours, Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Compare It
I remember getting to the point in my pregnancy where I was texting my friends saying:
“I feel like I need to unfollow all the pregnancy, birth, and postpartum Instagram accounts. I can’t see any more negative messages, like “how to avoid a stuck baby.”
Social Media is great! Until it’s not. While people have good intentions with sharing their pregnancy and birth stories, it can definitely become triggering to those who have yet to go through the process.
We always recommend talking about positive birth experiences during your pregnancy. It’s always ok to kindly stop someone from sharing their own personal experience, especially if it includes undesirable birth complications. Going into your own experience of labor and delivery with a positive headspace is more important than politely listening to someone creating unnecessary fear of the unknown.
There is so much of this messaging out there…
The thing is, you can do everything “right” leading up to your delivery, and still have outcomes that you weren’t anticipating. There is so much that is beyond a woman’s control during labor and delivery…and those babies have a mind of their own!
No one…absolutely no one has the same birth experience. There should never be any shame around how your baby came into this world:
• Vaginal vs. C-Section
• Epidural vs. Drug-Free
• Grade 4 Tearing vs. Minimal Tearing
• Delivering in Lithotomy Position vs. Squat/Hands-and-Knees
• Homebirth vs. Clinical/Hospital Setting
• Natural Labor vs. Medically Necessary Induction
Of course, we are ALL about having an active and vibrant pregnancy, and an empowered and informed birth experience. There is so much that you can learn about and do to stay comfortable during your pregnancy and have choices during your birth experience. “You don’t know what you don’t know!” Our best advice is to create and discuss with your partner/doula your birth preferences to decide what is important to you, knowing that we need to have an open mind because things could change situationally.
Doing all of this preparation for the birth you want is a good thing! But there’s something about this “how to” message to pregnant moms that is subtly shaming if things don’t go as planned. Your caring for a newborn, which means you do NOT need to feel the weight of “what if I had done this differently.” You also NEVER should feel shame from others with the outcome of an unplanned c-section. Of course it is okay to have feelings about your experience, but the point is, YOU get to feel how you want to feel about it, and you aren’t wrong for feeling one way or the other – no matter what someone is sharing online.
Moms, you had a huge job of growing another human, bringing them into this world, and now are nurturing them as they grow (how amazing are we?!). You did something really freaking hard and deserve credit for that! But, if a part of your birth plan did not work out, it is not your fault. There is nothing you should have done differently during your birth experience, and YOU get to decide how you feel about the outcome.
Sometimes the loudest voices on social media are not the voice of the majority. Know that there is a whole community here to support you – no matter what you choose with your pregnancy, birth, or postpartum!
If you are currently pregnant, here are some ways that you can support yourself during pregnancy instead of using social media platforms:
1. Perinatal and Postpartum Mental Health Therapy: at Breathe., we have many resources to guide you in the right direction – simply ask your PT if you need a recommendation! I personally saw a Mental Health therapist while I was in my 2nd and 3rd trimester to talk through anxious feelings leading up to my labor/delivery. This also helps to establish care ahead of time, so that you have support more readily available if you experience any signs of Postpartum Depression/Anxiety.
2. Perinatal Physical Therapy Care: Seeing a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist during pregnancy can have many benefits. Your Physical Therapist can assess your pelvic floor muscles and surrounding muscles in the back/pelvis to ensure less pain during pregnancy and prepare your body for labor/delivery (and even postpartum).
3. Prenatal Yoga/Support Groups: Joining a group that comes together in a positive space can be super uplifting; even better if you can get the benefit from movement! There are many groups in the community that offer these services. We can help recommend the groups that may be right for you!
4. Hiring a Doula: A doula can be a HUGE part in your pregnancy, labor/delivery, and postpartum journey. They have a plethora of information that can help you feel comfortable and confident going into the birth of your baby. Having a doula on your team to answer any questions can be very beneficial, and we highly recommend this for anyone considering it – surprise, surprise: we have recommendations for those too. 🙂
To recap – the outcome of our birth story is not always in our control. Whatever the outcome, you have support around you. Find your people, build your team, and remember that your body was made to birth your baby, no matter how they come into this world.